January 2012
1 post
I want to let go.
I need to.
Otherwise I will never be open to the life that is waiting for me.
I look back to you
Every. Single. Day.
But I need to look forward.
God help me.
I’m faithless.
September 2011
1 post
I’m so tired of the emptiness you created. The emptiness that I maintain. I don’t know how to get out. YOU were the answer… And now there is no solution.
I don’t even know where to begin to look. Im so lost. And its been so long…I’m terrified ill never figure it out. Why did you do this to me? To all of us? You don’t have to feel the pain that we do, you...
August 2011
1 post
How I fight the urge to turn inward. Into my grief. To be lost, find comfort in my misery. The temptation is hard to resist.
I miss you. I feel so alone without you on this earth. I feel lost without a purpose.
July 2011
2 posts
June 2011
4 posts
"Mourning is love with no place to go"-- anon.
“You cannot love something more than you miss.”
– J.S.F
there were so many times i wrote about you. it was always you.
Dec 2nd 2009:
“Oh how memories torture me so…At times i do wish for a ‘Spotless Mind’…”
Dec 30th 2009:
“Trying so hard to stay positive and look forward instead of back :(“
Feb 22nd 2010:
“However far away…whatever words you say…i will always love you”
...
I am missing you so much today. Seeing your parents this weekend was wonderful. I love your family so much…My family. I am glad that will never change. I love the feeling of being home again, sleeping in your old bed, seeing those couches you loved, looking through the pictures of you smiling with your family, sitting at the dinner table with your mom and dad. But it hurts so much that you...
May 2011
2 posts
i can still feel the exact sensation of my fingers...
i can still feel you.
i can still feel you underneath my touch.
it’s as of you are here.
i have your body, heart and mind memorized.
every song on the radio.
every dream at night.
it’s this acute vortex in the center of my chest. it’s the sorrow i feel with such intensity that it swallows me whole. it’s the feeling that i have been sinking since you left. it’s the lack of an ending.
itsasilentscreaming.acenterthatsempty.aheartthatslonely.abedthatiscold.
...
April 2011
10 posts
“How ever far away, I will always love you. How ever long I stay, I will always...”
missing you is the hardest thing i have ever had to do.
The inability to ever see your face again makes me feel so unbelievably alone. I held onto our future for so long. And now it’s gone. I miss you. I miss our love. I miss our future.
i am not ashamed of my grief.
My ability to keep moving through all of this is something to be proud of. I get out of bed. I go to work. I eat, I exercise, I socialize. That’s SO much more than I could have ever, ever imagined I would be capable of given this tragedy.
Especially when the pain rips apart my heart and my soul. My life will never be whole again. In the earliest days I...
I miss you so much. To the point that a red shirt made me cry. I feel alone. I’m so tired of my life without you.
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the...”
you were my only exception.
Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul
that love never lasts.
And we’ve got to find other ways to make it alone
or keep a straight face.
And I’ve been living like this
since you left.
keeping a comfortable, distance.
And I have sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness.
March 2011
17 posts
I still smile thinking of the day we met.
Remember the day we met? It was summer, a warm day. We were so innocent, only 16 :) There we were, at Oom Schull’s house, for a pool party and you did that painful belly-flop in the pool…(still makes me laugh) I swear I remember locking eyes with you just before you stepped onto the diving board. I thought you were adorable, and i couldn’t believe you even noticed me. And...
The Longing ultimately undoes you. When it finds you, it gnaws at your bones and tugs at your chest. It fills you up inside like rot & drowns you. The Longing keeps you in bed, clutching at your sheets while the world goes on. Mine smells like dusty fields & cigarette smoke, mixed with the scent of places you & I will not be. It is bittersweet, unrequited love and it will break your...
i love you. i never stopped loving you. i will never stop loving you. i miss you so much. i feel so alone. i wish you were here.
“I’ll follow you and make a heaven out of hell, and I’ll die by your hand which I...”
– William Shakespeare
At least I won’t live wondering How the fire feels while burning… For life is like a flame, And the ashes for wasting…
Now I’ll die waiting.
We were better than I am.
We could do better than I can.
We lived longer than I will.
I could be better than I was.
“It’s the Longing that ultimately undoes you. When it finds you, it gnaws at your...”
– Matthew Sturges
There are these moments where the reality of your...
There are days when all my regrets weigh on me so heavily. I need you now more than ever. I need you near me, but I’m left with nothing. Just an empty space beside me and memories of days long gone.
It dawned on my today, struck me really, that maybe your angry and full of regret too. Maybe that’s why you don’t visit me in my dreams yet. Your not settled with what happened to...
9,861.60187 days
Its hard to let go of the anger. Its hard to live with this pain.
why do i get to live through this day?
Things were supposed to be different.
I miss you so much, my soul hurts.
You are my sweetest downfall.
I loved you first, I loved you first.
Beneath the stars came fallin’ on our heads-
But they’re just old light, they’re just old light…
i am so alone.
"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in...
joy is completeness of your soul. its you as a whole person. joy is what you brought me. you made me. i was joyous those few years. that was the only joy i ever felt. and you slipped though my fingers like water. the universe stole you away. god took you away from me.
“There is no greater sorrow. Than to remember, in our present grief, past...”
– -Dante Alighieri
now he's gone even though i hold him tight. i lost...
oh where oh where can my baby be?
the lord took him away from me.
I never really dreamed of heaven much,
Until we put him in the ground.
But it’s all I’m doing now-
Listening for patterns in the sound
Of an endless static sea.
February 2011
19 posts
It's all that I can do to try to keep it...
Like the martyr I’ve always been for you, I just want to spend my days on matt-centric thoughts and activities. But my life keeps moving forward and I’m just trying to keep up. Because no matter how much time i spend mourning you, obsessing over you- you’re never coming back. No matter how badly I hurt on the inside, showing it on the outside will only alienate me more.
It’s crazy how it washes over me. This grief that renders me incapable of feeling anything else. One second I’m on the beach, standing with you feeling the warmth of the sand beneath our feet. Holding hands, and the world falls around us because we are enveloped in our own sunshine. I see your smile, and we live in a place where nothing hurts. The next moment I’m being crushed by powerful black...
I miss the outline of your profile. And the feeling of your laugh. if I only knew. I would move fucking mountains to be with you. I thought we had time to make things right. Now I don’t have meaning in my life.
The reality of what happened to you sucks the life out of me.
I miss you more than I can bear.
Dutch translation of Matt's story
Er was eens het lelijkste bos dat je ooit hebt gezien.
Een roekeloze man reed er doorheen.
Het was een goede, aardige man, maar roekeloos.
Zijn auto gaf een terugslag en een vonk werd in het lelijke bos geblazen.
Maar dat is niet het einde….
De vonk was absoluut prachtig.
Het was vol leven, helder gekleurd, and zweefde elegant het lelijke, dode bos in.
Dat ene kleine mooie vonkje zette het...
Today I imagined myself dying in different ways Driving through the lights in my city I see my hands pull the wheel to the left in one swift movement I see the devastation created on the 101 fwy But I feel your hands on top of mine holding them steady. steering the car forward. i guess the traffic would prevent me from going fast enough anyway Why can’t I join you? I’m lost and...
Losing you makes me sorry that its not my time to...
I can't ever shake this empty feeling.