After

I want to let go.
I need to.

Otherwise I will never be open to the life that is waiting for me.

I look back to you
Every. Single. Day.

But I need to look forward.

God help me.
I’m faithless.

I’m so tired of the emptiness you created. The emptiness that I maintain. I don’t know how to get out. YOU were the answer… And now there is no solution.

I don’t even know where to begin to look. Im so lost. And its been so long…I’m terrified ill never figure it out. Why did you do this to me? To all of us? You don’t have to feel the pain that we do, you get to live free and we live the rest of our lives empty.

You were never supposed to abandon me! You promised. It was meant. Once upon a time You gave me complete security, an amazing family, and love that most never feel..then you ripped it away from me and I will never be the same. I hate you for allowing me to know what perfect feels like, because I’m terrified I will never have that again.

How I fight the urge to turn inward. Into my grief. To be lost, find comfort in my misery. The temptation is hard to resist.

I miss you. I feel so alone without you on this earth. I feel lost without a purpose.

i don’t have to wonder.

i never gave up, but i also never lifted a finger to change things.

now you are gone and i am stuck here.

“Mourning is love with no place to go”— anon.

"You cannot love something more than you miss."

- J.S.F

there were so many times i wrote about you. it was always you.

Dec 2nd 2009:

“Oh how memories torture me so…At times i do wish for a ‘Spotless Mind’…”

Dec 30th 2009:

“Trying so hard to stay positive and look forward instead of back :(“

Feb 22nd 2010:

“However far away…whatever words you say…i will always love you”

April 24th 2010:

There are days in this life when you see the teeth marks of time…

April 30th 2010:

“I would like to pull an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind on myself and erase a person or two that live inside my head.”

July 10th 2010:

“u give my emptiness a name”

December 6th 2010:

“Time was passing, like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on. I hope you never think about anything as much as I think about you. ”

…It was always YOU. oh, how i miss you so. where do i go from here?

I am missing you so much today. Seeing your parents this weekend was wonderful. I love your family so much…My family. I am glad that will never change. I love the feeling of being home again, sleeping in your old bed, seeing those couches you loved, looking through the pictures of you smiling with your family, sitting at the dinner table with your mom and dad. But it hurts so much that you aren’t there with me, enjoying their company. Experiencing the peace and happiness you deserve more than anything. All I wanted was for you to be happy. Little did I know that we were experiencing the same unhappiness, the same loneliness all these years (though i always hoped you still felt the same as i did). I truly believe that is because we were meant for each other, and nothing would feel right until we came back together. I just wish that I would have tried harder, not been so cowardly and went to you, told you how I felt. I left you alone because I was scared and because I didn’t want to tarnish any happiness that you had found. Little did I know… I wish I could have been there the night before your wedding, when you were questioning your choices, when you knew it wasn’t right…I wish I could have been there to tell you not to go through with it. Would you have listened? My greatest fear was that you would not have. My greatest regret is not trying. My greatest pain stems from the fact that you made those choices, despite the fact that we both knew we still loved each other, everyone knew we were right for each other and that you were making a mistake. I can’t count the times I thought of driving out there, stopping by the shop and begging you to see the truth. But I was scared. Letting you slip away, continuing to allow your absence from my life is my biggest regret. I will never forgive myself. I miss you so much. I wish things were different. I wish I could turn back time…I wish I could take away this pain that we are all feeling, take away the pain you were feeling before you died…Give you the happiness you deserved, that I know I could have given you.

i can still feel the exact sensation of my fingers brushing across the stubble on your cheek, grazing your precious ears and running through your hair

i can still feel you.

i can still feel you underneath my touch.

it’s as of you are here.

i have your body, heart and mind memorized.

every song on the radio.

every dream at night.

it’s this acute vortex in the center of my chest. it’s the sorrow i feel with such intensity that it swallows me whole. it’s the feeling that i have been sinking since you left. it’s the lack of an ending.

itsasilentscreaming.acenterthatsempty.aheartthatslonely.abedthatiscold.

amindthatwontquit.amemorythatwontforget.awombthatisempty.

it’s always been you.

it will always be you.

i lose perspective, and can’t see.

i look forward and it’s black.

the past is all i have.

the memory.

the love in my heart that i locked away long ago.

(Source: cuntfide)

"How ever far away, I will always love you. How ever long I stay, I will always love you. What ever words they say, I will always love you…"

missing you is the hardest thing i have ever had to do.

The inability to ever see your face again makes me feel so unbelievably alone. I held onto our future for so long. And now it’s gone. I miss you. I miss our love. I miss our future.

After

About Me

Blogs I follow:

“Mourning is love with no place to go”— anon.

i can still feel the exact sensation of my fingers brushing across the stubble on your cheek, grazing your precious ears and running through your hair